I was hit with something a couple days ago that kinda saddened me. I know that most of my adoption blogs have been pretty positive. I am still an advocate for adoption but I want to be very clear and paint a true picture of adoption — after the children are grown.
I checked my Facebook page and saw a message from one of my brothers where not only did he say that the rest of us siblings didn’t exist in his life just our mother counted, but he changed his name back to his birth name and specifically called me out. In his status update he asked me when was the last time that I told him I loved him. I thought I did on our shared birthday, maybe not. I thought I showed my love through conversations of encouragement and my wish to help him (but you can only help those who help themselves) I thought I showed him my love by not asking my mother to make him leave her house after some unsavory activity, I thought love was shown when my husband hired him for some web stuff… but I guess that’s not love.
Sometimes no matter how much you love your children both biological and adopted they may not grow up to be who you want them to be. I heard a preacher say that we have to love people for who they are, not for who you want them to be. I also heard my kids great grandmother often say “you can’t make a calabash a pumpkin” meaning just because they are in the same family you can’t change them to be the other. So just because you raise a child doesn’t mean that they will be who you think they should be or even who you raised them to be.
All of my mother’s children are adults. Two of us are married with children and living on our own, one is a dad but still lives at home with mom, one has two children and is living a lifestyle that we didn’t dream she would pursue but she’s happy and that’s all that matters, one is ‘missing’, one is a drifter and another is in college, one just graduated HS and isn’t sure what she wants to do with her life and the ‘baby’ is still in HS but getting in trouble for little things here and there. To date that’s the Bennett Crew. It’s not what I foresaw when my mother asked me child after child if they could come live with us. I dreamed of all of us being successful individuals. I dreamed that my mom would be cruising around the world, traveling to play with her grand children at our expense. I thought that by this stage in all of our lives she would have to want for nothing. Unfortunately that’s not the current case. However I am hopeful that what the Proverb says is true — “Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” We are old but not dead so hopefully we will find our way back to how we were trained.
To the brother who prompted this post… I love you and mentioned it in this Bennett Family blog! I always have loved you and always will, regardless of your name change you are who God made you whether it’s Bennett or not. You are and will forever be MY BROTHER!
Until next time…
One reply on “Adoption Wednesday: When they grow up!”
Well said. What a moving post.
Winks & Smiles,