This past Father’s Day weekend I started to write this post and got … well stuck. Wasn’t sure where I as headed but think I still need to post this just for the sake of ‘getting it out there”.
I know there are going to be many beautiful Father’s Day posts out there featuring dads and their kiddies and of course I could contribute because my husband is the best dad in the world! Check out why I say that here. This post however is not about my husband but my father.
I am the product of an adulteress union (dad was married, mom was the mistress) I didn’t grow up in a household with my father. I know him and do have a relationship with him but it’s not what my daughter is fortunate enough to have with her dad. I love my father, but for a very long time I had unresolved Daddy issues. I was very mad at him. I was mad because he (in my opinion) ruined my mother’s life. I felt because she was involved with him, she didn’t have the life she so deserved. She was never married and has lived her life for her children.
Don’t get me wrong I was equally upset with her for a while also. When I became an adult I understood why she was so hard on me about certain things especially revolving around relationships and today I’m grateful for all the lessons she passed down.
But back to my Daddy issues. My mom used to say he treated us like ‘second class citizens’ I guess meaning that his family with his wife was more of a priority to him then we were; which in all actuality they were. As a married woman I don’t know what I would do if my husband had a family on the side. I have no idea how his wife handled a cheating man (I am not the only illegitimate child he fathered) My mom used to say (when she finally broke up with him) that she was saving his wife from ‘wear and tear’ kinda rank right? I know. So my issues with my dad have been long going. My dad didn’t walk me down the aisle for my wedding because he had something more pressing to handle with his elderly aunt. I still tear up when I look at my wedding pictures and he’s not in any of them.
I wish I could pick up the phone and call my dad just to hear his voice; to hear him tell me that he loves me and is proud of me. When I do speak to my dad our conversations are always surface level. We never talk about the real stuff — like how we really need a second car, new house and some financial relief. We just talk about the weather wherever he is and his health. He asks about the kids but doesn’t know that Erick thinks he’s Superman, Myles walks around calling himself Buzz and Leah wants to be a ballerina. All things I’m sure he knows in detail about his ‘real’ family.
I guess my Daddy issues aren’t resolved. Whenever I see him I never talk about the fact that I would love to meet my biological nieces and nephews. We never talk how I would be informed if he fell ill or died.
Daddy issues are real. I am so thankful that my children will NEVER experience them.
During father’s day I can only reflect upon my husband, uncle and brother in law who are all TERRIFIC fathers. They are selfless when it comes to their children and often even as a grown woman I wish I had that.
Hope you had a WONDERFUL Father’s Day with the Dad’s in your life. I had a good day but didn’t speak to my Dad. Guess I’ll finally drop the card in the mail and hope to hear from him sometime this summer.
Until next time…