domestic violence awareness parenting

10 Ways to Raise an Abuser

There are things that parents need to avoid.

I know this title is going to throw you all for a loop, but I thought it would be interesting to do some reverse physiology. It is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. I think it’s important that we tackle the hard questions. Mounting data suggest that domestic abuse is flourishing across the world due to conditions created by the pandemic. How does one raise an emotional or physical abuser? Something I’m sure most parents have never thought about. Abusers are raised. Just like racist. Children don’t come into this world predisposed to violence or hating others of the opposite sex or of different races or creeds. Those attributes are taught (that’s what I believe).

I think there are things that we as parents need to avoid while raising our children to safeguard them from being abusers. I found a post a few year ago that presented 20 thought provoking actions that would cause a child to grow up and become an abuser. I borrowed some of hers and came up with a few of my own, based on experience.

  1. Let them witness and or be on the receiving end of physical and emotional abuse.
  2. Teach them the world revolves around them, and you exist solely to accommodate their every wish and whim.
  3. Pretend you don’t notice when they take a toy from another child.
  4. Make excuses for them when they hit other children. You don’t want them to learn empathy.
  5. Act like a confused idiot when they hit you. You want to give them the impression that they are bigger than you at all times. You never want them to have respect for you or anyone else.
  6. When they argue with you, back down to keep the peace. Let them know they are in power.
  7. Never overtly confront. Beat around the bush whenever you need to correct them. Be prepared to immediately give up all ground if they start to get upset or defensive.
  8. Don’t get to know them. Don’t spend time with them talking about their lives and asking questions. Immerse yourself in your own life. It will help numb the pain of watching your child turn into a monster.
  9. When they make a mistake, pick up the pieces for them and cover up any and all failures. Don’t let them think they should have to make any effort. Encourage them and coddle them.
  10. Teach them that character is outdated, and outward perceptions rule. Fooling everyone around you is paramount to success.
  11. Defend them at all times.
  12. Foster a prideful, entitlement mentality. Everyone exists to make them happy.
  13. Never have deep conversations. Keep everything on the surface where it is safe.
  14. Don’t teach them the law of sowing and reaping. If you want to touch on it, teach them that it doesn’t matter what – or even if – they sow. All that matters is that others bring in the sheaves and lay them at their feet.

If you are doing any of the above there is a huge chance that you are raising an abuser. Please be mindful of these actions and reverse them ASAP. 

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